Motherhood Dystonia

Dystonia and Motherhood

I started thinking about motherhood in my 20s, at the time didn’t have a partner and was not sure if I could even give birth with my dystonia and produce a healthy baby and even if I did manage to; would society  accept a mother with a health condition. The whole idea created a whole lot of fear. As much as I tried to bury this idea, I could only feel my maternal intinct getting stronger.

After meeting the right person and a heap of research, Information and constant appointments I finally had the reassurance to go ahead and do it. I finally got pregnant but unfortunately, in my first pregnancy It didn’t all go to plan. My first baby was a little girl whom I had early at only 22 weeks and sadly lost.

A year after I gave birth to a healthy beautiful little boy, I couldn’t have Botox during my pregnancy as my consultant advised against it, which was not easy. my shaking increased slightly and I felt very self conscious and the pregnancy and dystonia caused a lot of back neck pain.

It was all worth it and I opted to do it again and had another beautiful baby boy a year after. Three years on I have two incredibly energetic toddlers. There is no doubt motherhood is challenging for any parent but does dystonia make it even more harder?

I don’t think so for me, although I cant compare to a time when I was a mother without dystonia. Maybe i have just adapted. My only biggest concern is that when they start school I only hope the other kids wont pick on them because of my health condition.

Dear Dystonia

Dear Dystonia

I hated you when you first entered my life, I could not understand why you chose me to punish.

That hate for you turned into hate for myself, low self esteem, low self value and a negative perspective of myself, which lead to negative mindless affirming; like “no man will ever find me attractive”, ” I am bit slow “, “i don’t believe my body is strong and healthy”.

I believed them and they manifest.

How you knocked me down Dystonia, but if I wasn’t knocked down, how would I know how to get up?

If I didn’t negatively affirm would I know the benefits of positively affirming?

If you did not cause self hate would i know progressively try to build internal love?

If you didn’t cause chaos in me would I even know how to identify the peace within me?

As you take me through trails I will learn, overcome and achieve.

You have made me understand without rain there is no growth.

Yours sincerely


Dystonia and Social Anxiety

Dystonia and Social Anxiety

I know in my experience social anxiety and “Dystonia” can go hand in hand, at the best of times. For example, something as simple as going to supermarket, can very quickly turn into what I like to refer to as a anxiety explosion.

So when those automatic doors open and you enter with your trolley, most of the time you initially feel calm, relaxed, experiencing what could be classed as blissful minutes of  normality, reassured that you have scanned the fruit aisle carefully, and no one seemed to have noticed your Dystonia.

Then all of a sudden while you are reaching for something like diapers,  a child  comes out of no where and shouts”mummy mummy why is that lady’s head shaking” as you look around everyone’s focus seems to be on you, at that moment you just want the floor to “whoosh” up and suck you in. Unfortunately its not an option, so you stand tall, head forward  to the next aisle while noticing mothers edging there kids away from you like your the walking plague. You’d  think that they would catch on, that my ass is too big for the size 6 nappy’s so therefore they must be for my kids “HELLO I AM A MUM TOO.”

You finally make it to the next aisle you take a deep breath, and prepare yourself for the supermarket sweep of  your life, “ready steady shop”

Well if that isn’t enough strain on your brain I don’t know what is, talking of “strain on the brain” lets face it, we rarely give ourselves the most easiest time. I know I certainly don’t, often judging my self through other peoples reactions  towards me, even people I do not know.  Moreover with all that mental strain and anxiety,  how do stop yourself from completely loosing it, well that is a interesting question and that one that I have spent many years trying to figure out, which leads me to say  i can only give you my personal experience and knowledge.

What i found helps is a few key things like staying positive, try and find good in everything, even that terrible experience at the super market, “so yes some people may think i am a freak, but look around me, i have people that care, love, me and that is where my focus should be. i also find doing things like hobby’s exploring creativity helps lift my sprite like writing for me.

Build your happiness back up by taking care of  emotional, spiritual, metal, psychical health really keeps me balanced, and confident stems from happiness , last of all remember nothing is worth disrupting your metal peace for to long.

Stay blessed lovely people.